Thursday, November 25, 2004

Fumbling In The Dark

Happy Turkey Day! Unfortunately it isn't much of a happy day for me. My thanksgiving luck comprised of a chocolate and cream honey bun, zingers, barbecue Lay's Stax, and a diet Coke. Yuck, I know. Walmart was just not an option for me. I didn't want to go through the trouble of finding a damn parking space, and sifting through all the crazed last minute thanksgiving shoppers. Instead, I went to the grand 'ol Circle K! Ha, Junkfood Galore, and not a healthy thing in sight!

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend. I did not do this because I do not love her. On the contrary, I have been trying to meet all her needs because I DO love her. Unfortunately my needs were not being met. I couldn't handle it after a month of being forgotten, and taken for granted. I know some of these feelings of mine were not known to her, she simply can't see, apparently, that I would have liked for her to spend the whole night with me after taking her to see a musical that she has wanted to see for years! (and she owns the soundtrack even). I would have liked that to be OUR night. We hadn't had a moment's peace one on one together in over a month. Things were wearing on me in this relationship of only 6 months. So I ended it the night of the musical.

This crushed me. I didn't want things to end, I just wanted things to get better. I wanted her to touch me again. I wanted her to take time out just for us; just for a relationship that needed some mending. I wanted nothing more than her affection. It took her a few days for it to sink in that I wasn't breaking up with her to hurt her. I was doing so because I was hurting everyday. What is worse, being lonely because you are not in a relationship and long for one, or being lonely while in a relationship and longing for that person?

I thought long and hard about all this. I still wanted her. I still loved her. I didn't want things to end (I never did). I just wanted to figure out what needed to happen for it to work between us. One thing that came to mind was realizing that if I were to ever get back into a relationship with her I had to know that I was not going to put myself back into a position that made me feel obligated. Then I realized that if my needs were getting met then those things I once considered obligations would be done without a second thought because I would feel secure in the relationship.

Here we are after a week and a half. We have spent the night at eachother's places almost every night since we had the last discussion. Her demeanor towards me has drastically improved. She had said she wanted a chance to show me that she can be what I need her to be to me. Since this has happened I am completely understanding of her demanding job and schedule. I never hated her job. I hated how she was when we DID get to see eachother (watching TV - wrestling or soaps, her favorite shows - on separate ends of the couch).

Last night she stopped by for only 5 min because she had a million things to do before leaving for her dad's house an hour and a half away. But those 5 min were great because she came in with her brother, gave me a huge hug, lots of kisses, and those wonderful eyes looked right into mine and I could see in them that she wanted me, and wanted more time with me. She told me she missed me as we kissed, and we exchanged our love for each other. She had to run to the bathroom quickly, and then her brother (whom I hadn't seen in over a week), gave me a big hug and said that he had missed me. Of course as an almost 17yr old would do, he then proceeded to tell me that he "got some" and from the girl we had talked about him trying to hook up with. In trying to describe his telling of the story I get lost in his hip thrusting movements, and zany giggling as he is so excited that he got some, he makes no comprehensible sense when he speaks, his body language speaks (loudly) for itself! He had me in stitches, as is usual for him to do. He really should be a stand up comedian.

So, here I am on Thanksgiving day, typing in this scattered journal, alone in my apartment with my dog. I have a clients at 2pm and 3pm so far today. Why must we be open on freaking holidays??? It kills me. I always seem to get stuck working them because they do not usually fall on my days off, or policy changes before they come up so that I get shafted yet again. The last 2 years so far have been horrible for me on the holidays (thus is the reason for me going back to college and getting my degree in computer science where jobs usually in this field observe most holidays!)

I don't know yet what the future holds for (what name did I call her by before? Lynn I think, yeah that's it) Lynn and I, but I am willing to let her show me that she is capable of meeting my needs, and that she can express to me exactly what she needs from me as well so I am no longer just fumbling in the dark.

1 comment:

Drew said...


Good luck. Love is beautiful.


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